I could no longer look at myself in the mirror.
So stated Kim Kardashian this morning in a stunning turn of events, as the reality star admitted her marriage to Kris Humphries was a money-making scam; agreed to pay her ex a $20 million settlement and then dropped a final bombshell on fans: she will avoid all red carpets and publicity opportunities for a year.
"I've been living a lie for too long," Kim said. "I bought Ray J that video camera. I read cue cards on E!. My manager calls the paparazzi any time I'm in a bikini. Heck, I can't even get dressed in the morning without my mom telling me what to wear."
Kardashian added that she and her sisters help tabloid editors come up with supposedly scandalous headlines, pushing sales of those magazine and then taking to their blogs to refute the rumors and garner sympathy from fans.
It's a circular tactic that Kim says she learned from former best friend Paris Hilton, adding:
"Those tabloids made money, their employees kept their jobs, my family came out as the victim. My Facebook followers even believed I was actually confiding in them. Everybody was winning... or so I thought. Turns out, my soul had been lost a long time ago."
Kim says she will donate all the money she's earned from Tweeting product names to those who tried QuickTrim because they believed it was a healthy weight loss supplement.
"Come on," she scoffed. "It's not even FDA approved. I'm a multi-millionaire with no real job. I lost all this weight because I had the time to work out and the money to pay a personal trainer."
It's taken a very long time, but THG applauds Kim Kardashian for finally telling the truth about all the fallacies in her life. We'd also like to say...
HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!
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